i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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