mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
