omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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