All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
