what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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