The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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