guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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