found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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