Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i've created a new STD.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
