I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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