so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
