Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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