Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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