I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
