I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
