Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
