I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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