Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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