This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
