I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
