Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
