i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
