I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You are the jesus of drinking
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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