Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
