I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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