you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
