I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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