Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
