Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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