OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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