no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
