She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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