I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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