2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
