He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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