totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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