Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
