If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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