I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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