After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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