So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Drunk walkin through police station. America
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
