You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My vagina is officially offended.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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