He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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