I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
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The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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