i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
