i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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