I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
