apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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