the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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