If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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