he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
