i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
