WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
